I am, nearly 50 years old, sitting down to create a web page about fairies.
One of the first things that occurred to me after my daughter Ya'ara's death was the notion of fairies.
Her image, movements, glance, the things she did, the sound of her speech and the love she spread around her, all brought to mind the notion of a magical fairy darting about and enveloping you in an aura of magic.
Losing a daughter feels like being run over by a truck or being struck by lightening. Physically and emotionally everything seems to fall apart.
You suddenly lose confidence, confidence in yourself, your decisions, (even in the simplest of them), and all that surrounds you.
You are terrified by every little headache of someone you love, constantly afraid of another encounter with death.
Things that once seemed important are suddenly dwarfed and things that are not important to others are, to you, suddenly extremely important.
A 'travelling pain' seems to wander around your body, a physical pain that each time re-appears in a different place.
The nights seem like nightmares and holidays are sad occasions.
Every woman soldier, airhostess or student reminds you of Ya'ara and in every beautiful place you are saddened by the fact that Ya'ara cannot see it.
Everything you do is accompanied by a feeling of bewilderment. People ask you how you are, you don't know what to say. You build a web site in memory of your daughter, while comprehending that it is nothing. You laugh one minute, cry the next; happiness is tinged with sadness. You enjoy things with tears in your eyes; make a grave beautiful with flowers and trees and know it is a grave; yearn for a hug and know you cannot hug a fairy.
So here I am, adding to Ya'ara's memorial site, a page of fairies, while missing her and dreaming about my real Ya'ara.